Jumping Back In: Confidence, Auras, Law of Attraction in Dating and More

So Sean and I continue to see each other, dinners, concerts, and quiet evenings on a porch or deck. It’s fun and neither of us seem to be in any rush to make it serious. What is interesting is how that fun and relaxation seems to impact the universe. People I know well keep telling me how great I look when nothing has physically changed about me, including that 20 pounds that HAS TO GO!

I’m no cover model but I’m attractive enough that I’ve gotten sufficient attention from men. But as I said in the first of this series, I hadn’t met anyone that I really wanted to spend time with that was available and not a hot mess. Since then, I’ve had several overtures from other men. One is a musician, who actually has a real paying job and is available…the hot mess question remains unanswered and he lives too far away. Another is a writer friend, who only half joking, invited me to move to Western Canada and marry him. I think he wants me for my passport. He is available and may be a hot mess and is definitely too far away. There are others but I want to keep this brief.

So why the sudden attention? I am a believer in the Law of Attraction and, if you’ve read Dark Dealings  (look to your right), in auras. I think that what YOU believe changes your aura and so changes what you attract. The vast majority of people cannot see auras, but they sense them at a very primitive level. It is why, I can meet so many people who will be just friends or not even that. When I met Sean, it was not love at first sight, but there was an instant comfort level that made many things feel easy and familiar for both of us. Perhaps our auras are compatible, perhaps we knew each other in a past life.  That is a discussion for a later post.

I had made a decision when I joined the online dating site, to open myself up (cautiously) to the possibility. Once I was open to that, others seemed to pick up on that and a received more compliments, flirtations, and it extends to my professional life.

I have been asked to be a member of a panel on women’s empowerment, invited to return to my role or more in an annual conference for 2015. My goal of launching my LLC as a full-fledged publishing company is gaining momentum daily. The day job continues to go well, but that is there to pay the bills until the rest of this can replace it. Is everyday glorious…HELL NO. It’s life and it has its bumps small and large.  I look forward to this October panel and am using it as a deadline to see how many of my other goals I can advance by then.

Oh and Sean is a smoker. I don’t smoke and know that is a personal decision. However, he smokes on my front porch and has been informed that if we are still seeing each other come winter, snow or no snow, it’s still the porch. He’s finding out, bit by bit, that I am who I am. I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. The proviso to that is I will not give up my goals and dreams to suit another.  It’s a package deal. And a pretty great package too, at least I think so. Nor would I ask another to change their dreams and goals for me. The trick is to find a partner who will grow alongside you.

Law of Attraction includes knowing the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is knowing your value; Arrogance is thinking you are more valuable than others and that they should believe it, too. Confidence is knowing you aren't perfect, no one is but you like you for all that you are. You are on your journey and it's towards a more authentic you. I'm on my journey, too.

Dating or anywhere else in your life know your value and you will attract people of value who will recognize a kindred spirit.

More updates next week on Sean and other topics.

If you missed the previous entries, feel free to scroll through prior posts to catch up.

Jumping Back In: Jameson, Burgers and Blarney

So when last we spoke, I had cancelled dinner with Dinner Guy because my father’s home health aide cancelled at the last moment. He was polite and supported taking care of Dad first. There was no indication of a follow-up from him. Hey, it’s online dating…next.

Then the following day, he messages to see how things went with my father and how about we try again on Monday.  So on Saturday I met diner guy for lunch and on Sunday, I met Starbucks Guy. To see how those went, see my previous blog.

Monday rolls around and I stop at my father’s place. The aide is supposed to be there at 5. 5:05 and no aide…not panicking. 5:10, 5:15…

This cannot be happening AGAIN. I’m supposed to meet him at 6:00 at a pub 30 minutes away.

5:19… I see what may be the new aide headed across the parking lot. Thank the universe it’s her. I make sure they are squared away and jet to my car. I text him, I’m on my way. I feel like the White Rabbit at this point….

He messages back that he is running a bit late and will be there by 6:15. I breathe a massive sigh of relief.

It’s a beautiful evening and town is packed even for a Monday. But we score a table outside and it’s 2 for 1 burger night and the burgers are great.  So Sean (Dinner guy needs a name at this point) is older than me and a widower for over two years. Hmmmm, note to self: If I am invited to his house check the basement and yard for anomalous mounds while holding tight to car keys. It is online dating afterall. No screening for serial killers that I could see,

Sean isn’t his real name. But his face is the map of Ireland. No surprise, both his parents came from Donegal. He is the baby of 13 and from the town next to the one I grew up in. He attended one of the corresponding boys’ high schools. The two towns had, back then, three all-girl high schools and three all-boy high schools. I used to go to dances at his high school but he had graduated by then.

Sean orders Jameson Whiskey (what a surprise) and I order a glass of wine. By the time the waitress has brought his first drink, he has charmed her socks off… we are in public after all. I’m already laughing. A bit if the Blarney, methinks.  It’s relaxed and downright comfortable.

Dinner was great and we sat on my front porch having a nightcap and talking for hours. But it was a work night so it was left at next time…

Potential? Or big brother?

And what happens to you when you have the confident glow that actually connecting with someone brings? There are other fish in the sea,,,right?

Later folks….. Places to go, people to see.

Jumpin Back In: Diners, Starbucks and the Dinner That Wasn't

Jumpin Back In: Diners, Starbucks and the Dinner That Wasn't

So what happens when two profiles meet?

First there is the messaging back and forth hoping to find that next level of common interest and connection. All the while you are trying to determine if the person behind the profile is as advertised. If that happens and they are geographically desirable, you agree to meet for coffee (usually). I wonder if Starbucks measures it's participation in the online dating meet-up market? Sometimes it's a diner and sometimes it's dinner.

Ah, you say, she seems to have made some progress. Truth be told, I did. I have so far had an initial meeting with three different gentleman. All went acceptably well. One was at a diner, one at Starbucks and one was a rescheduled dinner in an outdoor café.

I had lunch with Diner Guy and it went reasonably well. No sparks, but pleasant. So when he invited me over to hang out with his neighbors, play horseshoes etc, I said okay. So I get there and the neighbors are on their way out to dinner. He was in the yard with their grown daughter. I'm thinking ooooookay, this is odd but we are outside and it's an easy dash to the car. About 30 minutes into this, a member of the local police shows up looking for the neighbor-wife as someone was being taken to the hospital and she needed to be there. Diner Guy asks if I want to take a ride to the restaurant they are at as she is not answering her cell. Duh…. I pass. In fact, I say that "this doesn't seem like a good time to do this" and head home. He texted an apology but that was too much oddness and drama for a first date.

Starbucks Guy was VERY friendly. Seemed very smart, business owner, overeager to impress I think. Showered me with too many compliments. Within 15 minutes he wanted to hold hands across the table. That just ended quietly. Fortunately, he left the ball in my court to initiate next contact. No chemistry and a bit of a turnoff.

So then there is Dinner Guy. We messaged and talked on the phone beyond frequently for at least two maybe three weeks. He invited me to meet him at a celebration for his son's birthday. Very tempting, we had been connecting wonderfully, but a family event as a first date was daunting even for a brave soul like me. So we agreed to meet two days later at a music event that I usually attend. I figured if it goes well all the better, if it doesn't I am in a familiar place.

The day arrives and I am truly looking forward to meeting face-to-face. At four o'clock my cell phone rings. It is the agency that my father's home health aide is hired through. She has had an emergency and beginning one hour from then she will not be at his house. They are trying to find coverage, but it is difficult. I am for this purpose an only child. So if an aide is not found, I'm it. I am to meet Dinner Guy at six. I go to my father's and after several phone calls and with a bit of a lump in my throat I had to tell him that we had to cancel. He was gracious and supportive stressing that Dad comes first and we left it at that.

Maybe.

More next week……..

If you missed the previous installments, scroll down.

Jumping Back In: How to Score or not.

In online dating, at least the site I joined, there are various levels of connecting. I see them as levels of interest or not. How do you score a win? Here is my rather unscientific assessment.

Viewed your profile…okay but that doesn't mean you actually read it         0 points

Liked your picture… That's nice, but shallow     0 points

Send a "Flirt"…that's a click of a mouse      0 points

Liked your profile.. This implies you read it. Benefit of the doubt,      1 point.

Send a message (generic)…the verbal equivalent of the flirt. No thought, just a copy and paste feel. But requires slightly more effort than a flirt or a like so    1 point

Send a message (personal). Refer to something in my profile and ask a 

question about me.       3 points (1 for each part if this)

Again and again it is attention to detail, attention to the person. On the other hand, as a mature woman I am still hesitant to be overly "bold" even online. So I may like and sometimes be the first to send a comment. Yes I know, it's still a double standard. But at least I'm honest about it.

If you score, a conversation will begin on the site.

Please however, don't immediately give me your phone number in the second message. Part of the appeal of these sites is that you can chat back and forth in a private chat room. Again, it is a sad comment on the world we live in, that I will not exchange numbers until I have decided there are no overt signs that you are a stalker, scammer, serial killer or married.

Okay so he scored high, you got to the second round of messages, you're good to go, right?

Not necessarily: A MAJOR POINT DEDUCTION/PENALTY:

I reported a man on the site as a scammer. This man messaged me and began to engage in a conversation. He claimed to be high-ranking officer in the US military based in Baghdad. But his written English was less than stellar particularly for such a high rank. He peppered me with questions, which since the red flags were starting to fly, I answered in generalities. He was cagey when I turned the questions back to him.

Google is a wonderful tool. I searched the name he had given and was led immediately to an online dating scammer site that had comments from quite a few women that mirrored my chat with this man to that point. The thread indicated that he ultimately was looking for money.

I called him out on it (although I was sure) and he feigned being offended. I blocked him and reported it along with the link to the scammer page to the webmasters for the dating site.

I am sure this is not the rule. And I did not cancel my profile, but this is social media and scamming scum are on every site. No different than the sleaze you may risk meeting in the 3D world.

So the caveat to this post, is even if on first blush, he scores (same for you gents when meeting ladies) do NOT jump in too quickly. A toe in the water is fine to start with.

Please be sure to visit the prior posts in this series.

Next week: Any success?    Writer Wednesday a review of Ivy Vines, Visions 

Jumping Back In: Pictures Worth a Thousand Words Even Selfies

So this is a day late and NO it's not because I scored a big date on the dating site. Although I have been introduced to one or two who look good on paper. And hey, GREAT for them for getting that far. It's not that I'm fussy. Sure you say, laughing and shaking your head.

I was at an amazing Jazz and Blues festival on the Jersey Shore all day. A terrific day of music, food, fun and friends!

Lots of pictures were taken, which brings me back to my original topic.

PICTURES!

First, gentleman post one. Not being superficial here, but no picture makes me wonder what you are hiding or more importantly, WHO you are hiding from. Is that status of divorced, separated, or widowed to be trusted? Come one, none of us were born yesterday. Now posting a picture doesn't automatically get you a free pass on status, but not posting….RED FLAG.

Second, post a good RECENT picture of yourself. Yes we all may have gained a few pounds over the winter and we all wish we looked like we did when we were 30. But, truth in advertising saves you issues later. Again, if you meet that person in 3D at some point and their first thought is WOW, not what I expected. That will make them wonder, what else is not what they are expecting?

When you post a picture, make it a good one. Everyone has had a picture taken by a family member or friend that they liked, right? I know, I don't like most of the pictures taken of me EVER. But even I could find one or two that I thought weren't horrible.

Okay...maybe not that one.

No selfies in a mirror, or behind the wheel of your vehicle, or any other location.

Also, if you're opening lines say you are a happy fun-loving sort. For goodness sake, be sure you are smiling in your picture.

Again as an author and editor,  a good cover gets someone to pick up the book and open it to see if it's a keeper.

A good picture with a nice smile will make a person want to go to the next step and read that awesome and revealing profile you posted. You are revising it or even writing one now, I hope.

Jumping Back In #1                               Jumping Back In #2

Next week: The hierarchy of contact…the new first base!

Jumping Back In: Online Dating Profiles--- Reading is FUNdaMENTAL

Last week I blogged about my foray into online dating and how to write a profile. Read that blog here.

In keeping with the theme of profiles, let's talk about ACTUALLY READING them. We all know the joke that men don't read instructions or directions. The reason it is so funny is that there is a large element of truth to it. Come on, you are nodding your head right now in agreement. Guys you know you are sometimes (being polite here) guilty of it or have buds who are and ladies well… we've all been there.

Profiles are your chance to make an impression and weed through or help someone weed through the pile. It gives the other person directions on which way to go in getting to know you or not.

So the first rule, gentleman is complete the profile!

I see too many men who have not taken the time to complete the standard categories. These are tell us about yourself. What are you looking for? And "I'd like to add". We don't need War & Peace but give us something to go on.

I appreciate those who tell me enough about themselves to get past the first decision point.

Then BEFORE you send a "Let's chat" … Second rule: read MY profile.

No offense, but if you are a Ultra-conservative, God-fearing Christian, who loves to hunt and thinks that movies, live theater and reading are just "okay" then you should not be sending me a "flirt". There is definitely no match there with a music, movie loving, semi-pagan, author/editor. Especially if you are from Arkansas and I'm from New Jersey and I clearly spell out in my profile that due to having an elderly ailing father that I am unable to travel far or relocate. DUH!

I will however read your profile (as evidenced by my comment above) and send you a polite "Thank you. I wish you luck in your search".Hmmm I sound like an employer or agent/publisher.

            When they say online dating is a numbers game, they don't mean send out a million flirts and see what sticks. That is dating spam.

What it means is there are a million profiles out there for you to review and then select which ones seem to be a bit simpatico and then decide if you want to send that flirt or message.

I have so far been impressed with only one gentleman from Virginia who messaged me to say that he was sorry we did not live closer and that he understood my caregiver dilemma as he had cared for his aged mother.

That information about geography is at the very end of my profile. So he had read all the way through. I thanked him for that and told him that I genuinely hoped he would find what he sought.

Next week: What catches my eye in your profile and what doesn't.

Jumping Back in the Pool...Maybe, One Writer's Viewpoint Part 1

So normally I blog about books (reviews, etc.). Rarely do I talk personal stuff, but this is too good not to share. 

It's been over a year since the final decree and I've been ready to start over. The last year has seen a host of changes and transitions for me. But then life is a journey.

Without revealing my age (a lady never tells and a gentleman never asks), it is an interesting task to meet someone. So far, the locals have been "just good friends", hot messes or some combination of the two. Several friends encouraged me to give online a try. After some hemming and hawing, I said ---what the hell.

So last week I registered for one of those specialized sites. You know the ones that weed out the youngsters. I was honest on my profile: real age, current picture, actual education, interest. Yeah, I THOUGHT fessing up to being a woman with a Master's degree in my age group might scare some off, but more on that later.

On a semi-regular basis, I will share some of my observations (serious and funny).

Here's where my author/editor hat goes back on. I will never reveal personal information on others as this is not about the person and not meant as disrespectful and, in fact, may prove useful to some.

First and most important: Please proofread your profile!

I have seen too many profiles from men filled with serious typos.

Here is a minor example. No names, although I doubt this person follows my blog.

I'm a good lesener romantic i like to go for car rides with no destinationi like music I play some instruments I like to cook and going fishing and most of all I have a great sense of humer and I"M Italian

I'm jumping right on this flirt…NOT.

I wish him luck on his search.

At first this might prompt a giggle or two. But seriously, a profile is your ad, your resume, your chance to make a first impression. Spell-check it, re-read, show to a trusted friend (we call them beta readers). Put your best foot forward.

My writer friends can understand. Would you send an agent or publisher a query letter with similar issues?

This is also true for any social site whether it's dating, twitter, Linked-in or Facebook. Oh and one final note: Facebook is NOT a dating site.